She went into a litany of all the wrong men she is meeting and their quest for the second date. We strategized how to let them down easy if she wasn’t reciprocating their interest.
After drinks, appetizers, the main course and clearing the table of the last dish, Sylvia looked me squarely in the eye and asked, “What are your three tips for online dating?”
Befuddled, I paused to understand why she was asking me.
I met Sylvia almost three years ago at a Texas Hold’em party at a common friend’s house in Oak Cliff. We immediately bonded as she was from the Ukraine, and I had lived in Eastern Europe for some time. But most importantly, we had both recently ended relationships with our hearts broken.
Sylvia knew of 'The Big D's' blog and that I recently started a weekly show at Deep Ellum On Air about dating (www.deepellumonair.com/thebigds.html). I tried to explain to her that the Internet is free and that my show does not constitute me to be an expert. Nevertheless, friends give friends advice, especially when demanded, so I conceded.
Today I was working out at my gym during lunch time, and so were three men whom I have dated who illustrate each tip:
1. Have fun. As soon as I approached the elliptical machines, I saw Jim. Jim and I sent a few messages to each other through Match.com, but it was because of common friends’ high regard for Jim that I made the effort to meet him earlier this year. Our first date was five hours. From Spanish tapas to Malbec wine, we crisscrossed Cole Avenue.
Jim is intelligent and has a similar educational background. He has been divorced for a few years and is deeply devoted to his daughter. I felt that I was being screened for child appropriateness, but I was enjoying myself. He said goodbye with a kiss. It felt presumptuous, but after a five-hour date, it probably wasn’t. The next week we went for sushi and crossed to the other side of Mockingbird Station for a beer.
During the week between the two dates and confirmed with our conversation that evening, we discovered that our desires for intimacy and communication differed greatly. No one said the words, but that was our second and last date. We realized that our definitions of fun were too different.
2. Pay attention. Ex-boyfriend Andy entered the gym as I was mid-way through my cardio. Though our eyes did not meet, I knew he saw me. As he walked toward the locker room, he held his head down. Andy was the most painful relationship of my adult life. He contacted me through eHarmony three years ago. He called me every night for two weeks straight. He seemed to be interested in every sentence that I spoke. His photos showed bright blue eyes and a big bright smile. I was vested before we had even met.
Our three months together were exciting, anxious and deceptive. After a month, he told me that he loved me. That same night he told me that he was a bad person.
Some days we spent countless hours together: brunch, motorcycle rides, grocery shopping, cuddling and non-stop banter. Some days he could not be reached.
Though we took a beach vacation together, I never met one of his friends. Well, there was the birthday party for the girl who never talked to us. I wasn’t sure that we were actually invited.
Andy was a human roller coaster. I never had the stomach for roller coasters, and ultimately, as much as I thought I loved Andy, I did not have the stomach for him. After the split, I spent months that turned into years noting all the red flags that I should have paid attention to in the first place. I will probably never know if Andy will benefit from rehabilitation, but I definitely rehabilitated from Andy. My instincts screamed at me throughout my time with Andy, but I ignored them because I listened to Andy tell me that I was just neurotic. Ever since, I proclaim and celebrate my killer instinct.
3. If you are not attracted or interested, find the exit. The last 10 minutes on the elliptical, Brian boarded the machine next to me. Brian is hard to miss. He is a ‘silver fox’ as his profile name reads. I looked in his direction with a smile on my face ready to give a quick ‘hello’. His entire face had a grimace, and he never looked my direction. As I completed those last few cardio moments, I reflected on our singular date and realized that the grimace should not surprise me.
Brian and I met for drinks at a McKinney Avenue bar this summer. He is recently divorced and has two teenage daughters. He felt jilted by his ex and was determined to warn his daughters.
Brian worked very hard during my two drinks (and his four) to keep the date and the conversation going. He elicited shock when he proclaimed, “I look good naked.” At that moment, I knew that I never wanted to find out.
I attempted to leave gracefully. As I unlocked my beach cruiser, he talked of second date ideas and my bicycle ride home. I smiled, gave him a hug and wished him well.
When he wrote the next day, I explained that I did not think we are looking for the same thing. He agreed, so we both finally reached the exit.
As I left the gym, I felt a deep sense of peace. Though my workout doubled as an episode of ‘Ghosts of Dating Past’, I felt content. I regretted nothing and noted everything. My three tips to Sylvia seemed off the cuff at the time, but as my heart rate slowed, I realized: Instincts, sensibilities and personal preferences are unique to each person. My tips are to acknowledge and allow for individuality. If we are paying attention, attracted and having fun, that’s when the apparitions fade and the real connections appear.
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